Is there a light at the end of the tunnel?

Today I did everything you’re supposed to do. I did all the things that usually make me feel better. I just kept thinking if I could find ONE thing to figure out how to get back on the right track that it would cause some type of momentum and everything would be okay. But the thing is, I have no idea how to fix anything. I wanted to feel some type of hope or at least a glimmer of joy… but I felt nothing. No matter how I look at things I just can’t figure out the next move.

I had no motivation to get out of bed. Sometimes a shower makes me feel better, so I took a shower. Nothing. Numbness. Well sometimes when I do my makeup I feel pretty and more confident… looking like a 10 and nothing. What’s the point? Clean! Everyone feels better in a clean house. Nothing. Read. I’m an avid reader, reading alwaysssssss creates an escape. Nothing. Absorbing information as fact. Take the dogs for a long walk. Nothing. Do some yoga stretches nothing. Post a witty Facebook status that people enjoy. More annoyed at my own fakeness than anything else. I wore my favorite joggers and favorite Wonder Woman floral tank. Comfortable, but still pointless. HANDLE A RESPONSIBILITY I didn’t want to deal with. Whoa. An hour and important phone call later… I got to check an item off my To Do list and nothing.

I legitimately feel like someone flipped my off switch. And honestly? I’m kind of glad… because I’ve thought through every outcome and right now I just don’t see the light at the end of tunnel.

Dear Friend:

Dear Friend,

Today I laid in bed until 4 p.m. This is pretty much my every day. Some of you probably think I’m lazy. Sometimes I don’t get out of bed for days. Sometimes I don’t leave my apartment for even longer. A lot of times I’ll doze in and out of sleep- each time telling myself that the next time I wake up it’ll be better and I’ll finally be able to get out of bed. I dream of getting up, taking a shower, laughing a text a friend sent, and even maybe going outdoors. I think about everything. I remind myself over and over again where I parked my car. I use my phone to calculate my bills over and over again- even though it’s the same sad numbers as yesterday. I think about what my Mom says and I text all the people I’m close to thinking it will give me some type of connection or social interaction. I read lots of books- and then sob at the end of every single one because I feel like it’s another person whose left me. I scour job sites- some times applying for positions, sometimes just marking them so I can mass apply when I’m in a better mindset. I check my e-mail over and over and over again obsessively. Waiting for… something I guess?

But today, today I said I was going to push through. So I got up. I dragged myself out of bed. I sat at my vanity and stared at myself for a really long time. I thought maybe if I made myself look better, I would feel better. I did my makeup, tamed my hair, put on my favorite perfume, and wore a new shirt with my favorite combat boots. I did get stressed about my eyebrows and had to rationally calm myself down that no one was going to notice they weren’t perfect. I took all my makeup off and started again. I brushed my teeth… then, of course, re-did my eyebrows again.

Now to get to you- I was going to have to walk to the bus, take the bus to the train, then walk from the train to your house. It was raining. I kept telling myself that I can do this. I started freaking out a bit– it’s rush hour time and there’s a White Sox game; public transit is going to be packed. I decided to drive to the bus stop. I sat in the car for 15 minutes trying to work up the courage to get out. I stand at the bus stop. It’s by a stop sign for a four way stop. I’m convinced every person at the four way stop is judging me for every reason you can imagine. At first, there is only one man waiting with me. But then more and more people come. It gets up to about 15 or so people. People are chatting. It sounds like screaming and loud noise in my head.

I finally get on the bus. It’s full. I take deep breaths. I try to back up, but there’s a line of people behind me. I try to move confidently to the very back where I see a seat. I sit down next to a woman and another women takes the seat to my other side. I want to apologize to the women about my size and my broad shoulders. I glance over to look at the lady who sat next to me, she smiles. She must not hate me too much then. I count the seven stops to my stop. I exhale as we pass each one. I get off the bus. I just follow the crowd… they crossed on a red no walking… that upset me, but I just tried to follow and keep a low profile.

I scope out the crowd by the train and try to judge which area is going to be the least crowded. My nerves are pretty shot at this point. I misjudged the distance… so I have to embarrassingly powerwalk to get in the last car on the train. It’s packed and we’re not even downtown yet. I SPOT A SEAT IN THE VERY FAR BACK CORNER. See- corner seats are important. This way you can shove your body against the wall and make yourself seem smaller AND you get a whole side without someone sitting next to you. Every stop more and more people get on. A lady is pressed against my side, but she’s on Instagram and doesn’t seem to be paying attention to me, so I actually feel okay. There are lots of men standing. The car is packed. I start to panic about how I’m going to get off. I just assume I’m going to miss my stop. There’s no way I can fight through all these people. Usually I follow my Google maps obsessively tracking every spot, but I’m feeling pretty confident because I’ve gotten off at this stop a bunch of times. That makes me feel more self-assured. I even know which direction to walk when I get off the train, that’s a big deal. Usually I just replay over and over in my head all the things that could go wrong:

-I could not be able to get off
-I could go to the wrong doors to let me out
-I could walk the wrong direction when the doors opened
-I could go out the wrong exit
-I could walk the wrong way on the street
-I could be on the wrong street

But today no one has talked to me and people have generally left me alone and I KNOW this stop- so I think maybe it will be okay. I read my book and wait to hear for my stop. I feel proud of myself.

I text you to let you know I’m off the train. Maybe you were having a bad day. Maybe you just forgot that I’ve been having a hard time. Maybe I’m too sensitive. But your three paragraph text about how all I do is complain and you’re not in the mood for it, well, that did me in. The entire world around me collapsed. And in public, while it’s raining, on a very busy corner during prime commuter time, I started crying. I pulled my jacket as far over my head as I could. I can feel my mascara running and burning my eyes. All that work into getting ready for nothing. I go and sit in the alley and cry. I don’t know what else to do. I can’t stop crying. All the work I’ve done the entire trip to not get noticed is completely gone. I can feel peoples eyes burning into me. I just want to get away so badly. The train is a ten minute walk behind me. There’s no way I can go through all that again while crying. I could call an Uber, but I’m terrified the driver will try to talk to me, or worse, console me.

I call London. He comes and picks me up. I listen to my song on repeat in the car until I can breathe and finally calm myself down. He takes me home. I’m safe and home.

This is my every day life. And while I’m sure there are so many things I could do differently, I try the best I can.

What’s in a Name?

Sam. Samm. Samual. Sammi. Samantha. The sound of my own name has always sounded so foreign and uncomfortable to me. And the thing is, it doesn’t matter if you want to be called Samantha, people will still just call you Sam. Most just assume it’s Sam. Like random people will call like telemarketers or whatever and just call you Sam; that’s really annoying. Or like when you e-mail customer service and you fill out Samantha and sign the e-mail Samantha and they write back Sam. Are you kidding? That’s the pits, man. I think one of the most teeth-grinding thing is when you introduce yourself to someone and you introduce yourself as Samantha. They’ll just call you Sam. Eventually they’ll realize that you don’t call yourself Sam, and they’ll ask you which do you prefer. Well, my name is Samantha, you didn’t introduce yourself as Allison and I didn’t ask if you prefer Sonny, did I? No. Because you said your name was Allison. It’s really not that hard. See, but then it doesn’t stop there- those same people- the ones who ask which do you prefer even though you introduced yourself to me as Samantha- then they’ll try to convince you to change your name. And they think they’re like shedding some goddamn wisdom or dropping knowledge on you or something. Like, “But Sam is soooo much shorter.” Or “Samantha is just too many syllables!” Okay, Mykeishionna, let me get your name wrong and you’re going to be pissed. “Or what about Sammi? Sammi is cute!” What kind of world do we live in where you get to argue with someone about their name? But anyways, my name is Samantha, even though I don’t feel like a Samantha, but I hate Sam.

But see, I’m already pretty masculine. Like, I don’t probably seem like a Samantha-but Sam makes me feel MORE like a boy. It’s embarrassing. Maybe that’s why I’m so sensitive, I don’t know. But man, I already don’t have any hips, I don’t need to run around being a Sam. I don’t want to be a boy. Like if I was really cute and curvy and little, maybe Sam would be cute right because it would be ironic, but I’m not all cute and little and adorable, so Sam is just uncomfortable. So basically there’s a few take-aways: it’s rude as fuck to call someone something else just because you want to, it’s Samantha for Christ’s sake, and I really wish my mother would have named me like anything else, seriously. Except Barbara. I get really grossed out by Barbara, and Barb is worse than Sam.

Sometimes

These past couple months have been very chaotic for me. I’ve felt defeated with my job, struggled with mental health issues, and found myself shutting down. A couple weeks ago I had a pretty severe mental breakdown where I felt as if I was just done with everything. I’ve based my entire life on a job and a fight that I no longer feel the burn and desire- so I felt as if I had sacrificed so much for nothing.

Throughout this entire time, I’ve had my dear “friend,” as mentioned in the previous post, by my side. I honestly don’t know what I would have done without him. He’s been there for me through everything. A couple weeks ago- a bit after dating for about three months- we decided to make things official and are going pretty strong. We’ve had some ups and downs… and I do worry about my dependency upon him. But I can’t help but one day think we’ll be sitting there playing Uno or taking a walk along the beach, and he’ll look at me and say “I love you” and everything will feel alright.

On another positive note- my ex…. The one I’ve spent YEARS writing about… well, we are finally on amicable terms AND I’ve been able to see the boys. This is such a big deal to me.

I’m sitting here contemplating the utter destruction of my career, financial stability, and mental health- but also can’t help but smile… because sometimes all you need is the right people.

So how is my life? No idea. But I’m alive, taking it one day at time, and enjoying all the small joys I can find.

The Friend Zone

 

About a month ago I went on a couple dates with this guy. I didn’t really feel a “spark” the first time, but enjoyed his company, and went out a second time. Second date it was pretty clear to me that this wasn’t going to work. I had expectations of how to be treated, appropriate behaviors of a date, and what I wanted from a man. He simply did not meet those expectations. We actually stopped speaking twice… nothing dramatic, but had decided to part ways romantically and stay friends. But then we kept texting, then we started spending more time together, and all of a sudden that guy I never felt the “spark” with had become someone I truly valued in my life. Yesterday, I threw myself a birthday party and invited said guy to come. He met my friends, my family, and I felt so lucky and proud to have him by my side. I am very happy with what we are. I try to tell him how special he is and how much I appreciate him all the time. We had discussed, about a month ago, being just friends. And he is a great friend. But now I wonder what happens next with us. What happens when this delicate bubble we’ve created gets popped?

More so, the point of this post is this: this is not a person I would have ever chosen for myself. He does not check of the boxes in my checklist (he’s short!). Which made me think… in the super messy dating world, it’s important to have standards and expectations. But I feel like this is a situation where standards and expectations got in the way (for example, he didn’t hold my hand in the movie theater which really annoyed me)- where my ego took precedent. All these rules I have in place… do they work? Is anyone really winning?

Now, I know said guy will read this, and I hope he gets this is about reflection- not pressure. After all, we’re still just friends…

Wish us luck!

Something About Roses…

I think about love. I think about love a lot. I think I was always too cynical to buy into the idea of the true love of Romeo and Juliet. It always just seemed so ridiculous to me. I remember reading the play in my freshmen Honors English class and laughing… I was the only one laughing. I thought it was a comedy. That didn’t go over very well. Recently (probably from watching too many television shows about Queens fighting for England) I began thinking of the idea of old European love, and that led me back to Romeo and Juliet.

 

So this is what I think; I think that young people (pre-teens to teens) are obsessed with Romeo and Juliet because they feel unknown. Isn’t it a perfect concept that someone can see you and know that you’re their soul mate? To feel truly known inside and out? Like this is the one person that can see who the real you is? Romeo and Juliet plays not on the superficial lust, but of the desire to truly be seen. What a concept to believe that you could just see a person and instantly, without words, know that this is the person for you.

 

I’m still amused, but I can definitely see the appeal.

 

Boom. 214 word analysis of “Romeo and Juliet.”

When Is It Time To Walk Away?

I’ve been teaching for four years now and not once until this past week did I ever feel like what I did didn’t have a purpose. I’ve never questioned the need for what I do. I work on south side Chicago in all minority school with 90% of families far below the poverty line. Many of my students have never even been to down town Chicago. The inequality of educational opportunities along with the epic failure and decay at a national level is what pushed me and made me so passionate about doing what I do. I know I work double the hours of most, that many thinks what I do is a glorified baby sitter, that charter schools have their whole other set of issues, and that the school network I work for is known for strict discipline and rigorous policies. I know what I signed up for- and I always felt like it was worth it.

 

But now… at all levels I have doubts.

 

I see widespread racism from people I grew up with on social media.

 

I see institutionalized racism in all sectors of education.

 

I see our justice system failing over and over again.

 

I see the lack of caring in the very students I serve. I remind myself over and over again that I can’t project my concerns about social justice to 17 year olds. But it’s so hard not to. Sometimes I want to scream stop caring about what brand of shoes you’re wearing and who’s skin is lighter- but again, I don’t project. And it’s not fair. 17 year olds should be allowed to be 17 year olds! The very fact that I’m asking them to care isn’t fair.

 

I see the very students I serve in public- running rampant and intimidating those around them.

 

I look at Wall Street and big business- and I see white men doing whatever they want. And it is defeating. I made the mistake of watching the “Big Short,” and all I could think was- shit- literally what I do will have no impact on anything.

 

Through four years of shootings, a riot, students murdering other students, multiple student pregnancies, assault from parents, insults from public school teachers, job loss, turn over after turn over… I still always believed.

 

Yet I’m sitting here wanting to walk away. To stop fighting for what so many deem insignificant.

 

I don’t know why I’m sharing this. This isn’t my usual topic at all. This is just something I can no longer keep in. I just needed it to be out of my head and heart.

 

In addition, since I started writing this- I came across co-workers from a previous school that were supporting and promoting anti-white sentiments, racial cleansing, and disgusting behavior. I fight every day for social justice and educational equality. I speak up when things are wrong and I am on the frontlines. What am I fighting for if people don’t want to be fought for? The very people I am in trenches with- are condemning me.

 

I’m just not sure what I have left in me to give.

Unapologetically Me

I feel like lately many people have been asking me questions I don’t really know how to answer. People ask how I am, am I dating anyone, how is work, etc. I dread these questions. The answers are simple and that doesn’t seem to satisfy people, they want an answer I can’t provide.

 

How am I? “I’m good. I’m loving my yoga classes and I recently joined a bowling league.”

 

Am I dating anyone? “Nope.”

 

How is work? “Work is good. I love being back in high school. I work for a hard network and a lot of hours, but I believe in what we do.”

 

(the inevitable follow-up question similar to this) So what are you going to do next? Surely you’re not going to teach in THAT type of school forever? It’s such a waste of your talents? “Uh…. I want to switch back to teaching History next year… (awkward silence)”

 

The other thing is, because I spend so much time by myself and I see friends and family rarely, everything seems to think something is wrong with me. They think I appear quieter, sadder, too calm, etc. And I hate that! When people keep asking you “what’s wrong?” but nothing is wrong and now you’re just stressed to provide some type of answer, or justify your existence, or change your face or demeanor to make them happy. It’s all exhausting. And the correlating effect? I end not wanting to talk to that person, or see them. I spend ever more time alone or lost in my own world of books. Pressuring someone to make them someone else is the very worst.

 

My friend recently was in town from NYC and stayed with me for a few days for our other friend’s wedding. She, very well-intentioned, asked me all of those questions and kept wanting to know why I seemed so different. I really don’t have an answer for her. The only thing I could come up with, is that since my break over a year ago I have been more withdrawn and more quiet, but I think that’s because I’ve learned to rely and be content with myself more. It’s hard loosing the one person whom you feel like you can just simply be with. But we all learn how to adapt and adjust, right?

 

Anyways, what does all of this rambling have to do with anything? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

 

All I know is that when someone asked me what my New Year resolution was, I have a very simple and straightforward answer:

 

“To unapologetically be me and to do what makes me happy.”

Week 1 of My Healthy Lifestyle

I am currently on Day 5 of my new “healthy lifestyle.” My original goal was to simply just start eating better and adding cardio into my current exercise (uh, yoga), however, I have taken things much further than originally anticipated. I have not only been tracking calories, but my kind of food intake (carbs, fats, and proteins). Based on the Lose It! App my calorie intake is calculated at 1800 calories a day… which seems super reasonable right??! Uh, no. By day 3 I was starving. I feel like I had barely eaten anything, yet all of my calories were gone. AND I had been eating good foods! Well, at least way better foods than I had been eating before. And this is what had me wondering…. If I was going through 1800 calories a day by lunchtime on relatively healthy foods…. How many calories was I possibly eating before?

I decided to do two things:

1. Cheat and find something to help curb my appetite
2. Re-evaluate how I think about food and nutrition in general

 

Current results? Addressing 1, I found these amazing drops. You put them under your tongue for 15 minutes before eating. I will say, I found from day one and two that they don’t really do anything to increase weight loss if you’re not eating a low calorie diet. Days 3-5 I have been eating about 900 calories and have currently lost 5 pounds. I am also do some type of light (I’m too out of shape to do anything very intense) workout every day. Addressing 2, the drops definitely kicked in on Day 3 and I was not hungry at all. Like I started realizing that I needed food and just couldn’t tell. So for breakfast I am drinking an Herbalife shake with some type of fruit added in. I am also making sure to eat some type of solid food for lunch even if I’m not hungry. For dinner my body does start to get hungry and I have been eating pretty well…. No processed foods, just veggies and meat. I still put all of this into my Lose It! App and have been amazed at how much better the food categories have been distributed between fats, carbs, and proteins.

 

Oh, I have also had less caffeine cravings. I am a Diet Coke junkie… and I found myself only grabbing one at lunch and dinner time out of habit. I used to be a three a day drinker. I am currently down to one a day, and I am hoping to soon be soda free. I do drink a TON of water though. I am a teacher and I fill up my water bottle probably four times during the day and then three or so in the evening at home.

 

… I am also not drinking any alcohol.

 

I will say I have been very tired though, and have been making sure to get at least 7 hours of sleep.

 

In summation, I am down 5 pounds in 5 days. I am feeling great! I have energy, my cravings are curbed, and I’m kicking caffeine!

 

My overall weight loss goal is 60 pounds (doctors say it should be about 100, but I want to stay thick), my immediate goal is 20 pounds by February, and my life goal is to eat healthier and just to take better care of my body.

p.s. Still guy free and just focusing on me right now 🙂

Love, Pettiness, and Health

Sigh. So this is it, I’ve managed to go through another pretty crappy breakup. I’m not entirely sure what happened… this one may have been a bit rushed. It’s odd though, because it’s causing me to have a slight identity crisis. I’ve always been the cool girl… the girl who isn’t jealous, is down to hang out with the guys, is goofy and loves to play around. I have always been in long-term relationships or just stayed single. I’ve never really been in the predicament where I date someone for a couple months and then it crashes and burns. Somewhere along the way I lost my self-assured identity.

In addition, can we can just address how insane it is to post ALL of your personal business on Facebook after a breakup? Like, saying super hurtful things and calling names…. who does that? Like…. Waaaay into the “holy crap that is all super personal information” category/some was just blatant personal attacks and lies. I had assumed that ended in high school, not something a 29 year old man would do…. But what do I know apparently. (he has since been blocked from all of my social media sites)

Anyways, doing one of the worst things you could possibly do after a breakup, I stepped on the scale this morning, And OHMYGOSH. No. No. No. Two months ago I moved back to Chicago for a new job, a job that is VERY stressful and has me working 90 plus hour work weeks. I figured I had gained some weight… but oh dear lord. So, maybe this is cliché, but I seemed to be headed down that road anyways, but I have decided to use that time that I had been chiseling out for a significant other to focus on my health goals.

In addition to my weekly yoga class I currently attend, I am adding in three more workouts a week. BUT- my biggest thing, I am going to try to cook! With actual ingredients!!! I ordered my first week of groceries from Hello Fresh- the carnivore option. Uh, I’m not going to lie…. Fresh produce isn’t typically my thing, and I don’t really know how to cook, so this is a going to be a whole new experience for me! They give you all the ingredients you will need for 5 meals and step by step instructions on how to make the meals. I’m really hoping between this and my new exercise plan, that I feel better both physically and emotionally. My current diet often consists of tacos, buffalo chicken wraps, and turkey sandwiches, so this is definitely a new experience for me. I am also considering ordering some pre-made fresh meals from Factor 75 to take to work… but I may wait a couple weeks to see how much food my groceries from Hello Fresh yield me.

I may add, I am definitely over weight- not I have a flat tummy and want a six pack. Scale wise, I could probably stand to lose close to a 100 pounds. I would like to lose about 60 and have set a more immediate goal of 25 by my Birthday in February. I am much less concerned about what the scale says, and would just like to feel healthier and more in control of my body.

I am by no means swearing off men, I’m just taking a break from actively searching to focus on me. I have some new workout clothes, a few new books, am going to attempt to cook, and Fallout 4…. so I should be good!